overproportioNATE

 "I used to write like I had something to say." I will never stop writing lines such as these. Who I was will always be a fool. A man who knew less than he ought to. A man who could not know enough. I am thankful to always be learning more. But it makes stating anything definitively quite difficult. I will always revise my words, my thoughts. My best thought will change. Human words and reason are of limited value to me. We are far too conditional. We think of all things relative to ourselves. We are limited by experience, our background, our money, our language. There is nothing which does not limit us. If you were to travel extensively, see it all, know all cultures, all countries, all language. Well, then you'd be limited by your affluence. There is no ideal. There is no great perspective. If anything, the poor and the broken see more clearly. If only a god could speak into our world. If only He had something to say. We might have to listen to that. . . . His words mak...

 "What do you want?" I've wrestled over this question more than most. For years I spent time trying to answer the question, but as I've grown a little older, and hopefully a little wiser, I've thought more about whether that question matters whatsoever. It is very egocentric, in the grand scheme of things. A soldier in war cannot spend time on that questions. It matters not. The truly poor of our world needn't bother with this question in the midst of their struggle to survive. It matters not. There are many, a majority, in our world who spend little time on a question such as this. It matters not. But I still think about this question. Not just the answer, but the worthiness of this question as it stands. I think about the Garden of Eden and the purity of freedom that existed there. This question mattered there, and for a man named Adam and a woman named Eve. This question was unadulterated by sin or compulsion. They chose, at least for a time, that what matt...

  To do anything, a person must be convinced that there will be some kind of benefit, tangible or intangible. We all need motivation. I believe that anyone who considers taking up the craft of blogging must consider the benefits of doing so. Will enough people read it? Will they benefit from it? If no one reads my thoughts, is that alright with me? In what ways is blogging different from journaling? Is it really just "journaling with accountability"?  You might wonder, if you've stumbled across this writing, why I stopped blogging, and why I am not, at least for the moment, attempting to begin again. Good questions... I stopped blogging for the same reasons most people stop doing good things. I was tired, I was busy, I was unsure of its ongoing benefits. I am a pastor, and blogging was a space for me to share opinions, opinions which were not worthy to be printed, certainly not worthy to be shared from behind a pulpit. It is my firm belief that I should avoid preaching op...

I write this from my final class at Denver Seminary. My Prof left the room so that we could complete our course evaluation forms, but I have already completed mine. I have completed everything. I handed in my final paperwork today. I'm done. I have an Awards Ceremony to attend on Friday, and the Graduation Ceremony itself on Saturday. I have spent some time reflecting on what we've given up. What we walked away from to be here. We left friends and family. I left 3 jobs. We left a home. We cried and they others cried. That is what happened. We were grieved. We will grieve when we leave this place too. I believe now that grieving is a healthy part of moving, of leaving a place. Something must be loved in order to be grieved. If a person does not grieve leaving a place, I would question their love of that place and the people they have left behind. I have loved the people here. I love the people back home. I have fully felt it all.

I've been married 8 years. Today. The best years. We're standing at the fulcrum today. 8 years of marriage. 3 years of seminary. 3 years of seminary that I will cap off next week. I was always envious of the men and women that have graduated the last couple of years with their future laid out before them. I didn't want to head into an unknown future. Riding off into the sunset looks cool, but it just isn't my style. I don't like how that feels. Thankfully, we're not doing that. We're returning to the Midwest. We're finally settling down. Finally making a home. We're pretty excited. Maybe it is weird, but I've been dreaming about having office hours, time for sermon prep, the opportunity to put all my energy, love, and effort, toward one group of people, since I was in my teens. Life keeps turning and changing. Its been turning for us lately.

What is lacking in our society: 1. A general, common reasonable attitude. 2. Conversation. 3. Wisdom that comes from above. Reason is incredibly important. It allows both the assertive/dominant person in an argument as well as the meek and humble to be have a conversation. It not only demands a coherent and fair argument to come out of a person's mouth, it also requests information and answers from the other person with clarity and understanding in mind. There are few easy issues/dilemmas in this life. Reason seeks truth and welcomes all parties. Conversation is lacking at every level. It is most obviously lacking in our politics when politicians don't ask and answer real questions. We see it when our politicians don't even speak to the same groups of people anymore. Left and Right have completely different audiences to whom they speak. The Left rarely addresses the Middle and Upper classes. And, more troubling to me, I cannot recall a single Republican candidate th...

I completed my M.Div Orals Exam this past monday. I finished my capstone paper for the New Testament program today. It was a rather large research paper on Romans Ch. 13. It was my final large paper. I have… 3 or 4 small paper left to finish up. Then I will be done. So what comes next? Well. I am in process with 4 churches. Plan A is to work at one of these churches. This is what I have been training and preparing for. But. If my graduation date comes and goes without a job offer. Plan B is to continue on here. I would pursue an MA in Clinical Health Counseling. I want to be able to be the best pastor I can possibly be. I also don't want to sit around waiting for a church to connect with me. I want to use my time well. I never thought this would be an option. But here we are. I have loved my time at Denver Seminary. It has blessed me (us) and with the space to reflect, learn, and grow together. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'll keep you posted. But unti...

Ever want to know the future? Get a taste of what it will be like? Isaiah 2:4 "He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore." That is the future. That is your future. My future. But… That doesn't mean that we need to do that now… right? It isn't like Christ ever told the church to start looking like that… right? It certainly wasn't the focus of His first public message… right? Matthew 5:3-12 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,     for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.   Blessed are those who mourn,     for they will be comforted.   Blessed are the meek,     for they will inherit the earth.   Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,     for they will be filled.   Blessed are the merciful,    ...

A large part of why I started this blog was to have the freedom to write. I could carve out words here that I couldn't elsewhere. Not that my experience is entirely unique, but I have always felt the fishbowl effect. It stems from my vocation as a pastor. I cannot say everything that I want to say. My words are scrutinized to a higher standard. Everything that appears on Facebook needs to appear "redemptive", needs to end well. Every dark cloud must have its silver lining. I felt that Overproportionate was that place for a long time, and perhaps I am wrong in thinking that things have changed. But I just don't feel safe writing about anything and everything. There is something about seminary that people worry about. A fear that maybe I would become liberal, arrogant, or somehow less myself. I don't believe that my values have changed. Not one iota. I have always cared for the orphan, widow, and the foreigner (Deut. 10:18, Zech. 7:10). I will always be oppose...

We are all theologians. You are doing theology. The question is really about whether you're doing good theology or not. Theology is "talk about God." And theology is not done. All is not understood. Look at the world around you. Do you have it figured out? It is one thing to have a good understanding of what is good and what is bad. But what is the best way of getting there? In our world, I would ask: What is a possible way of getting there? Do you believe that morality can be mandated through laws and reform? Should morality be mandated? Can you make someone else be moral? Or should people be allowed to sin? At what point is the blood on your hands? Another important consideration involves Christian involvement whatsoever. There are some groups that are more ascetic, believing that Christians should pull away from culture and politics. Others are more zealous, believing that Christianity is best exercised through these channels. Christ didn't avoid these ...

I hate sin for a different reason. I hate sin because it has separated you and I. There is a distance now. I believe firmly in honest conversation. I so badly want those who are older than I, to share some word of truth with me. To help me, mend me, to notice a hitch in my gait. To point out the fault in my ways. And your sin keeps you from it. Almost every time. Like David and Amnon. Just like them. (1 Sam. 13) David sinned with Bathsheeba and when his own son committed a similar crime, he had nothing to stay. He recused himself. He did… nothing. So little that Absalom took the situation into his own hands and killed Amnon. Sin does this. Almost every time. And we have all piled up a stack of sin. You have yours, and I have mine. And it keeps us from even going near one another. From ever sharing something of meaning. From ever trying. To the point that when we cry, when we cry over deep hurts... Deep sin. We apologize. We apologize for our tears. We want with every ...

I completed a unit of CPE this past Summer. It was about as hands-on as I could ever hope to experience. I was told that I would see a lot of things that would make me uncomfortable in the 300 clinical hours I would need to complete at Porter Hospital. I was responsible for floors 4E, which was cardiac patients, and 5E, which was the general hospital. I also went to every code (blue, green, etc.) while I was on call, and to see any other patient in need of a visit. While it isn't really possible to summarize the experience in a single blog post, I want to highlight a few things: -Many of the most memorable patients were VERY different from me. I saw many gay and lesbian individuals. I ministered to them as best I could. We talked about values, passions, what fulfilled them and gave them purpose. I held their hands. I prayed for them when they asked me to. I was there for them, not for myself, for an agenda. I cared deeply for them. These experiences were memorable and important...

Today I went back and took a look at my very first post to this blog. It was about staying. I am a big believer in staying. I also said in my first post, "I'll write about the wonder of going some other time. But for now I will stay." I did stay. For two more years. I love staying. Staying grants the ability to be known. I have no desire to be a runaway. But I left. I did go. That is a true aspect of who I am, who I always will be. I stayed longer than most. But I left. Kind of. Going is interesting. It was actually very, very difficult to go. We grieved over the Summer before we left. A good friend of mine said that,  "It was like a funeral, and you were the ones dying." I didn't like dying. But the going has been everything it needed to be. We needed to know that we could go. That we could walk away from four stable jobs, family, friends… And do well. We needed to know that it was possible. But in some very real ways, big pieces of our hear...

Why I Hate Writing I love to write about true and deep things. I find it easy to write about the hard and long-suffering things of life. The problem is that many people seem to have a problem with me writing about such things (yeah, I'm talking about the church). I like to write about redemption too. Redemption is an incredible part of my life, and of the lives of many of my friends. But it is not all of life. Not all stories end in redemption, and poetry and story should reflect this fact. When I watch a Christian film, I expect it to end well. It must. It has to. Now, part of this may be because only so many Christian films come out every year. But I find the whole thing misleading. I've discussed the movie "To Save a Life" before. It is actually a pretty good "Christian" movie. It is gritty, with teenage pregnancy, youth group hypocrisy, and other elements in play. But through the whole movie, the son (the main character) has a horrible relationsh...

There are quite a few seminarians who are training for the wrong event. Like an olympian training for figure skating who is actually participating in the bobsledding event. It is sort of related. I mean, there are skates used in each, on feet or on the sled. But they are remarkably different in practice. One would be altogether unprepared if training for the wrong olympic event. The chances of bringing home the gold medal would be reduced to 0%. Many here are training to have high level theological discussions. They are preparing for logical discussions over some of the most controversial issues in Scripture. They are getting ready for a war. They feel the need to prove themselves, to convert through apologetics, to put a stranglehold on atheists and agnostics alike. None of those things are wrong. Studying apologetics, high level theology, and Biblical foundations are all important. Critical. But for much of our time as pastors, that will not be the event we are participating in...

It is difficult for this writing to not be some kind of summative statement about the whole of my life up to this point. I could do that, but I like writing that is specific and focused. I hope to return to blogging regularly. It is a good practice for me. Each semester at DenSem we do a Training and Mentoring Learning Plan. We choose one character quality that we would like to focus on for the semester and we read about it, write about it, we are mentored concerning it. For four months we address just one issue relationally, cognitively, and experientially (with multiple practices for each). It is a fantastic way to learn. For my final semester I chose to develop my understanding of faithfulness. I want to be faithful in my vocation and in my relationships. Vocationally, I want to understand my role when it is not well defined. How can I be Nate, even Pastor Nate, or Vicar Nate (if you must make me), without being "overproportioNate". I want to be the same person every...

Life has a way of mellowing out a person. There are so many bumps along the road of life, that at first can really shake you, can really derail you. I don't think that the severity of the bumps has changed. They are simply more frequent. There isn't time to worry about handling each bump perfectly. I think that this will help me to say to "no" to more things in life, because there just isn't enough time for everything. --- I think I'll be O.K. moving to Denver.

Sorry that I haven't been writing as much lately, this whole school year really. I love writing, if anything, my love for writing has only increased in the last year. Time isn't always provided for our passions however. The next time I write could very well take place in Colorado. I am going to be there for the majority of the next 3 years. It's wild to think about, I've been at my job here at OHS for not quite 3 years. I have no idea how much time and how much thought will be demanded of me at Denver Sem. I am hopeful that it will push me and challenge me, I am excited to see what I will be like, what I will be capable of... in 3 years time. I want to write more poetry in the next few years. I've really gotten away from it because I just haven't had the opportunity to sit down, slap on my headphones and write with Sixpence None the Richer flavoring my words. I hope to find the time to write words that will surprise even myself. I don't know what to te...

It seems that some will look their whole lives for some kind of pattern to life. They will drudge through jobs they never liked to begin with, pass through weekends at the bar, by mornings at the chapel. When this happens, then this action will occur. Whenever you have A, you will then create B. There are very few real patterns to life. Karma is a fiction fed to the under-privileged. Things that go around don't always come around. Sometimes the good live long lives and the Jerks die young. There is one pattern. One pattern that holds true in each and every human life. It is oft-ignored. The individualist seeks not to find it. The pattern of love for each one, 'til death. We have but one life. There are correlations, or what seem to be correlations. Exercise for good health. But often enough to rip that pattern to shreds, a runner will drop dead. Heart-attack, stroke, blood clot. Exercise, eat well, and you will live long, maybe. Obey your parents, and you will have th...

Any ideal, any perfect, or best thing, attracts some, and repels others. The best Ice Cream will be loved by many, and then others will find it unhealthy and disgusting. The best, freshest produce will be found healthy and fresh by some, and hated by others. We will never all agree on the best song, best president, best values, best morals, best time of day, best activity, best life. We life as though we could. But even Christ's message was divisive. He knew it would be. His message was good news, and admitted the struggle. It was repelling to many, too difficult, too demanding, too truthful. The bests always are.