overproportioNATE

What is it about the sound of water, beating against the rocks that puts us to sleep? It's constant, is that it? Natural sounds. We make machines to emulate them. I am a couple hundred miles from a lake large enough to form waves that could sooth me to sleep, yet I can carry that comfort with me. I can play that sweet music into my ears, and it can trick my mind into some kind of comfort. I don't even know why. I feel that we know so little about even the things that we enjoy, and the things that we need. We are conditioned, and have needs that we can't understand. This side of eternity there are mysteries, and I'm not sure that I entirely want the mystery to end. I hope there is always more to know, even when face to face with the One that knows all of it. Surely, He likes a good mystery. He has certainly placed me in one.

I used to hate sad stories. I used to get upset, because unlike in life, where so much is out of our individual control, in a book, the author gets to dictate how things will go. It is all up to the author, and in my opinion, he should end all stories well. There should always be a lesson learned, there should always be some good twist despite all the dangers and trials. But literature should reflect life. And now I'm more interested than ever in a book where the lead character doesn't walk away learning anything. Where they might fail in the end, or come up just short of what they intended to accomplish. I want for this specifically because it is not glamorous, because it is honest. And maybe it would push me to do something more with my own life.

Snow. They were pretty giddy about it. The kids with no gloves. They couldn't wait to dig in. The cold didn't have a chance of getting to them today. They were impenetrable. As if snow were a battery charger. Or some chemical reactant. They had more energy. Or maybe the lack of friction. Lead to an ease of movement. It was the first snow. Today.

I was always the kid to stand the longest on the diving board. I never had the urge to jump a fence. It isn't that I never got hurt, or that I never looked before leaping. I just never longed for it. I was never all that willing to do it. I often went with the tried and true, still do. If I had been shown that something was safe, then maybe I'd try it. But I wasn't going to be the one to find out. My wife was the one to ask what we were when we started dating. It takes planets colliding to remind me how to have a relationship with my dad, to even remind me to do it. So much is foreign to me. I fear falling, always have. But if you ask me, I promise to be up for anything. I will follow, and one day I need to learn to do a better job of leading. Everyone wants a leader, everyone wants someone to fall first. A good leader needs to lack the fear of falling, but embrace it, fall openly, get hurt often, and to keep moving, as it is a part of the job. He fell didn't He

This is a mutiny This is a masquerade This is the pin pulled from a ticking hand grenade Shoot each word into your veins Sing until you can't feel pain This is a firing line This is Sweet Caroline This is a slot machine Shoot each word into your veins Sing until you can't feel pain You're going down hard, you're going down fast. You're going down like this might be your last. -Into Your Veins, Five Iron Frenzy The second single from their new album, Engine of a Million Plots. I am missing quite a few lyrics, because trying to understand Reese is like trying to decifer morse code while being snacked on by a Tiger. It's an edgy song, it reminds me a lot of "Mercenary" by their side project band, Brave Saint Saturn. They are more a band for the left-outs and the left-behinds than they have ever been. Yet they haven't changed, there's something so refreshing about a band that learns and grows, and gets better, and produces new things, but

Hey, I'm back. I was home sick the past couple of days. Sore throat and the coughing up a lung disease. It has been a fairly good day so far, I've still got my scarf wrapped around my neck though. I'm concerned about a lot of things right now, that I really can only interract with through prayer, which is hard for me. There are people that I really care about, that I hope for a change of heart in. Pastor Phil was right when he said that one of the hardest parts in life is not what you have to do, but what you cannot do. I can't make people's hearts change, I can't make sick people well, I can't give people all the time that they need and rightfully deserve. That is a harsh reality. But, I do have access to someone that can. I have to hold to that. My grandma was always comforted in that, she couldn't be everywhere, and get everywhere she wanted/needed to be, but she always had a way, in her thoughts, in her actions, in her dealings with me and my fa

There isn't an ideal age. Little kids have the greatest capacity for cuteness, and may be the most hopeful of all age groups. They haven't been jaded by the world. But they aren't cultured, they can't take care of themselves. Teenagers may still have some hope, and some good ideas. Their ideals may not yet be corrupted, they may still feel that they can change the world and "do what they want". Those are all positive. But they also may be the age where they aren't willing to listen, they may think of themselves more highly than they ought, and there isn't always the effort behind the ideas to make them work. Young adults start to already buy into the system. They are likely to buy into radical ideals, and chase after all the wrong dragons. They want to be served in a world that doesn't serve them anymore. Middle Agers may be the most productive and best paid. But they also may seek those things and put them on a higher level than other, more i

Personal Success It's the desire of so many. I'm not excluded from this bumbling group either. We lose it once we die, we have received our gift in full. But boy, are we going to ever try for it. So many songs are written about it. Self-Improvement sounds really nice too. Until I remember that I've never been the one to improve myself. It has only ever been an outside force. I might desire it (Not even sure how natural that is), but I've never been the one to push for it, never been the one to act on it. We all want that castle, obsessed with the dream life, or even hope for it in Heaven. Maybe that isn't our destiny. It certainly won't be our focus then.

Goodbye old friend. I am not Mr. Sentimental, not anymore. But I finally got rid of my old phone. I had it for four years, the last couple it didn't function very well. I dropped it in the water, put it back in my pocket and kept fishing. So, probably my fault on that one. In the end, its pretty inconsequential, its just a phone. I made some of the best phone calls on that phone, and some of the worst. I was grateful to have it on many a trip. I don't think I'd drive across the country without a phone, makes me wonder about the kind of faith required to venture across the globe before cell phones. Before 911. Before you could get somewhere in a day. We are probably all hindered by it, I mean, the small amount of help that technology has had for the Christian faith is entirely blotted out by the harm its done to our wanting. We want for nothing anymore.

The danger is in the pill. Kind of. The main problem isn't taking the pill. The problem is continuing to take the pill. Whatever the pill is for you. It surprised me to be tought that selfishness would be the root of all kinds of sin, I thought it was just some pure kind of evil, some kind of destructive force. But selfishness. It all comes down to who we serve in the end. I guess it makes sense. C.S. makes a lot of sense when he describes how those destined for Heaven of Hell are ultimately getting what they want. I like to believe that can be a good thermostat of the direction we're headed. We think about what we ultimately want, and every day as I sit down at this computer, I want to write on that topic. It ultimately is a very tell-tale fruit. What I want, and who I want for. It is incredibly telling. I want for the things that give me joy, any little chute of joy, any little potential. What is that pill for you? And what do you want for?

When I go out I play in the street I get hit by cars I make mashed potatoes I get hit by cars -Five Iron Frenzy, When I Go Out When I go out, I waste a lot of time. I run into trouble, I fail, I fall short. But I keep going out.

A Poem/Song I worked on a little over the summer. And I saw you there In the fire of the abysmal I saw it as a symbol Wrapped up in your hair And there were many men Guarding wife and daughter A refuge from the slaughter weary, growing thin. And I held tight my heart I couldn't find it in me To tell them all what I'd seen Their families torn apart

Freedom Mystery is tied to freedom. In some way we never quite get to grapple with, we long for freedom. It is linked to this belief that there are experiences we are yet to have. The best day we know, is simply the best day that we are yet to experience. Or we hear stories of places that others have been, and we long to travel to those places, to see those same things. We want to have that same experience, or better. But some of that magic dust is already rubbed off. Freedom I think involves some true surprise. When we discover something on our own. When we feel the freedom from the burden of financial troubles. When we are finally surrounded by friends, and have that night, that moment, that we never really thought possible. Because freedom is much different from disappointment, the latter being much more common in life. Freedom is more than just the ability to do whatever one wishes, but to do precisely what one wishes.

America. It is a country. It has freedoms not known other places. But why do Americans have any more right to life than citizens of other countries? I'm having a hard time with this. And I don't feel that I do nearly enough to fight it. Its far from our only problem. I mean, it should concern us that we become irate when the coffee shop is out of something. It should bother us, but it doesn't, it won't. I like to believe that He put me here for a reason. But I feel like such a product of my location. If I was raised in another culture, imagine how different I would be. Glad to be here, but I'm not so sure that its where He wants me to stay.

I like writing darker things on a good day. Its just easier that way. I wish I could find my old notebook, I had begun a little exploration into the idea of life as torture. Dark right? But really, without hope, without some kind of light at the end of the tunnel... How is it all that different. Life will slowly break you down, and you will experience hurts that never go away. You will get injured, you will hurt others. And people that you love will slowly be taken from you. I in no way want to compare my life to that of someone going through the holocaust, or being tortured in a foreign war. I cannot even comprehend standing on one of those railroad ramps, and having my family taken away from me, sent the the chambers. That is just plain unbearable. But life will do the same. Life will do the same without a savior. So cling to whatever you have, doubters. Make a "better" tomorrow. Without God its just more of the same. Without a forgiveness that wipes these tears a

"when anastasia smiles the world is getting lighter when anastasia wakes the lights come on inside her and stars will light the path for her tonight and yes, the moon is burning oh so bright anastasia" -Brave Saint Saturn, Anastasia This was always one of my favorite songs by BS2. The music is good, and very tangible. But Reese makes a few nods to "knowing" that Anastasia is special. Here he writes that "Yes, the moon is burning oh so bright", and in another section of the song, he writes that she haunts his dreams at night "underneath the bluest moon". Both are references He uses in other parts of the album. It makes me think about how we decide on people, in good ways and bad. The kinds of things we associate with people. How we remember them. And like that quote by Maya Angelou, we might not always remember what people say, or what people do. But we do remember how they make us feel. And this song certainly contains much of that. I

Its when it is at its best. Thats when life lashes out. Things start to fall out of line. The golden age lasts just long enough to give you a memory. And for you to have just one good day. Would mean the world to me. I would be pleased as punch just to know. But that isn't reciprocated. Perfect love in a putrid world. Trees reach to heavens all over the world. They all point out, different directions. Just to remind me of how Grandiose you are. I'd like to see someone try and time you. Set the watch and let it fail. Litmus test the King of Heaven. Miles away from this old world.

Joy Its surprising the situations where Joy [or something that looks like joy] comes up in even painful situations. I think Joy has to be driven by a deeper belief. We can get giddy about silliness. And we can be happy about good things that happen to us. But joy, joy is experienced with or without outside inputs. Joy comes with remembering. Joy sees past the momentary affliction, to the larger picture. Joy is never experienced in the pain of another. Even if I was a Christian in an army fighting against terrorism. If I were to "win", that feeling would not be joy. Because Satan just claimed another victim. Heaven wouldn't be rejoicing over it. And it's joy wouldn't extend to me.

Its good to reminded of why I believe in the most important things. I also am entertained at the wild ideas of others. Why are we so conditioned to believe that our side is entirely right? When can we all start living with the belief that we do not have the full perspective in our sights. We simply never will I am also fascinated by all of the romanticizing we do. I like Christina Perri as much as the next guy [whatever that means], but wow, she romanticizes so much in every song. She makes bitterness sound so heavenly, and she wants to love someone for a thousand more years. That sounds great, and really romantic. But it also sounds like a mountain of pain and grief. Don't get me wrong, it all sounds so great. But I want to live this life, and live it well. I want to love with all I've got, and give it my all. But then I want to come to a place of satisfaction, knowing that my creator has created me for only as long as He's deemed necessary. At some point all the tea