overproportioNATE

Battle Creek Something that you said last week Is eating me with sharpened teeth And I am so afraid Not something thrown out flippantly But to my heart and very core I may not see you anymore Or something even worse And in my bones Your twenty-three same chromosomes Reside in twisted prophecy Likening our destinies I genuflect. I'll hold my breath I'll wait and see Your blood is swimming inside me And there is no love Like fathers have for their sons -Always Just Beneath the Dawn, BS2   I remember the first time I heard this song, I thought Reese wrote it just for me. I feel a lot of these things. I feel the tendencies that I have, that my father has exhibited. I feel the close-ness, but also, almost the "matter-of-fact" way that Reese talks about the love that fathers have for their sons. I was never a fan of father's day. It was always a tough day. You always hope for better, to be a better son, to connect ...

A Ben Folds Song about a Girl, and how everything seems to relate to my father lately   The sun's coming up she's pulled all the blankets over Curled in a ball like she's hiding from me and That's when I know she's gonna be pissed when she wakes up For terrible things I did to her in her dreams You wanna see the other side What's going on behind the eyes? Still it seems if you can't trust You can't be trusted Didn't you know we're as close as we can be? -Trusted, Ben Folds Let me first say, that I wish this song didn't have any truth to it. I wish people could move on, and we could forget. I wish we could trust without a history. I wish we could trust because family should be able to. I know this song is about a girl, and thats fine, but I just heard this song yesterday for the first time in quite a while. And really, and I love it when this happens, the lyrics weren't the first thing to connect with me....

Forgiveness and Why We'll Never Get Along Forgiveness can be a feel good behavior. It is great, and "Christian", and can mend things for at least the short term. But forgiveness, and far as I've come to know it, is used as long as it is convenient. Once you can bring up a mistake to prove a point, or to correct a current temper or attitude, you do it. Once again, if it wasn't for my own struggles with this, I wouldn't be nearly as concerned about it. I think you could place this kind of "antiforgiveness" in the same place as praying in from of others for attention, wordy and "fancy" and on the street-corners for attention. As well as with making sure you let everyone know that you're fasting, or dressing in rags for attention. There are so many ways that we can appear as a martyr to something that we have a hard time choosing. Anti-Forgiveness can be particularly devastating because it not only makes the "forgiver" loo...

This Friday will be my last regular post. I'll still post somewhat regularly over the summer, but especially with camp coming up in a few short weeks, I've got a lot on my plate. Tomorrow is the last day for seniors, and I've got...9 days left. I'm more than a little excited, but I also have really enjoyed the job. Kids are fun to work with, I definitely enjoy spending my day working with them, even if it is stuff that I would normally deem unnecessary or not essential. I'll write a bigger summary on the school year when I get a chance. But for now, I'm glad I made the switch. I haven't missed my previous employment for even a minute. I love that feeling. I'm glad I was able to experience what I did before, but I find myself much more at home helping people and doing something more lasting.

Things I don't understand: "It was only 15 grand" "I'll get better, later" "I can't wait to retire" "I don't care" "It's all their fault" None of these answer the question of who is responsible. They lay blame on someone else. Instead of going to a Higher Authority, and looking for help, they wait, or blame, or deny. We are entitled to the point that any wrong can't possibly be our fault. I'm good, and therefore, good must be the consequence of any action.

But do not ask the price I pay I must live with my quiet rage Tame the ghosts in my head That run wild and wish me dead Should you shake my ash to the wind Lord forget all of my sins And let me die where I lie Beneath the curse of these lovers eyes - Lover's Eyes, Mumford & Sons Honesty I want that out of my band. Its what He was talking about when He wanted us to be Children of the Light. It isn't to be perfect, spotless, or good enough. It was a call to be honest. We are all sinners and failures and fools. But some are honest with it, and they shall be called Children of the Light. They want to live in the light. I like this song, its like a little prayer, of having these ghosts (that we all have), that torture us and are out to get us. And then to simply want for our sins to be forgiven, that we might live withotu regret, to lay some things down. And then the bridge is all about walking slow, asking for help, for a hand to hold onto. I don't kn...

I feel most would rather die as something great, or as a martyr to some cause. I've met quite a few that don't want any kind of fame, they want a quiet life, or at least, their kind of life. They don't want for notice, for attention. I feel that. But I feel most would like to be noted for something, to have something noteworthy on a tombstone. I am simply sad when I see something trivial on a tombstone. I like music, and cars, and hunting and fishing. But they are all passing. But I guess the tombstone is too. Oh well. I'd still rather have a quote or something that speaks to a life without end. I don't want to be a martyr to a cause I don't believe in.

Go ride your bike Go climb a tree Box of crayons Tire swings Jump with a friend into the creek And hey you might just skin your knee Make time for catchin' fireflies Lie in the grass smile at the sky Don't be afraid to laugh or cry More bedtime prayers More asking why -Kids Again, Chris Rice I think we've lost something. The innocence that both holds us and keeps us. We lose it when we jump into relationships, and drag baggage everywhere with us. We lose it when we place the weight of the world on our shadows. When our jobs completely overwhelm and become us. Our hearts are bound more than they ever have. We've given up the time, out there, that we used to live for. And God would find us there. So often we think that He must be found a certain ways, or at least, only ways that we've found Him before. Our food always comes from the store, or from a restaurant. Our money always comes from the same places. Our friends are always found in their homes, or in th...

Love people He said. And you'll love me. Love people. Those people? The ones that give me every reason not to? The ones that make me want to hide? The ones that I can't stand? Or even worse, can't stand me? Because I'd rather love just about anything else? Can't we love art and love you? Or football? Or our dogs and cats? Because I don't have any political differences with my cat. A dog and I both agree on values and ideologies, or at least, he doesn't argue them with me. But no, you tell us to love the low-lives. The sinners. The scum of the earth. The people who don't agree with me, and never want to. Those same people Lord, those same people you want me to go to? You want me to be vulnerable to them? We have a hard enough time being vulnerable to our friends and family, to our spouses, our children. You give us this book. That is unlike other books. See, I've read history books and they tell me all about how life was. What has happen...

The human heart, when certain about things which are not critical, is one of the most locked-away things in the universe. We are very poor in our judgement. I am amazed at our willingness to jump at the throats of others. At our desire to push our own agendas, protect our own people, wave only our own banners. We are a very selfish people. The human spirit cannot function well alone. It cannot make up or down of most situations. Its why we run to others for assurance of even the most basic things. Its why music drives us so deeply. We seek out key words that tell us we are not alone. And then just as quickly, lock ourselves back in our cages.

I have an evil plan to save the world for every man, and I think it's better than the way it's being run. Oh, the ground works laid, no don't be afraid, I'm sure that I can fix it, when I figure out the physics. My evil plan to save the world, just you wait 'till it's unfurled, it'll go down in history. It's prophetic, no it's not pathetic. I can't believe I made it up myself. I have an evil plan, to save the world you understand, the exemplary feat, you'd think I'd have to cheat. I'd make Voltaire proud, deep and furrow browed. Uncanny and so clever, it's 'Our Newest Plan Ever!' -My Evil Plan to Save the World, Five Iron Now, I like this song just because I like it. It's got a good beat, it's catchy, and it's the first song that I really got into by Five Iron. I think we've all got a plan to change the world. No matter how obtuse or imperfect, we think that we could fix things, or we view a certain gro...

I didn't post yesterday, sorry, so I'm doing a double posting today. I've been really into the holocaust, North Korea, and Les Miserable lately. I don't think its because I am all that morbid, negative, or longing for revolution. I don't find joy in the pain of others. I think I'm just fascinated by the human experience. From the start of the Bible, the first story that really, truly, surprised me was Cain and Able. I am now not blown away at God creating everything. Not because I have some big intellect or because it isn't amazing. Rather, I just know that creating and doing world changing things are just a part of God's nature. Its what He does, and what He continues to do. And it isn't a surprise that Adam and Eve took the fruit. We do that every day. But that a man could be so quickly driven to murder because He didn't have approval from God. That is interesting, that is surprising. That is the human experience. It gives us a tast...

I'm not one for anarchy. I've been listening to quite a bit of Les Miserables lately. Revolution is cool you know, and it has been romanticized more than a little bit. But it certainly makes me wonder about purpose. It makes me wonder about what I want from everything. Do I have friends just to make me feel alright? Do I hope to have a family just to give myself some reason to live? Do I want to travel just to take myself away from all I know? That maybe I'll find what I'm looking for somewhere I've yet to be? I used to be big into the hope of a revolution, zombies, who cares, something to shake life up. Survive differently. It would make each day more meaningful in some relative way. But I guess I want to find more purpose in this more "mundane" life that I lead. I've definitely been seeing fruit lately. Glad to know the fields are still ready for the harvest. Need to keep my nose to the grindstone I guess.

I don't like funerals for 26 year olds. I don't like watching cars pull over to the side of the road as they go by in a hearse. I don't like any vehicle where there are a couple passengers, but only one of them is breathing. I don't like seeing a family that I've known, now in pain. A room full of people whose world, for at least a few moments, has stopped in their tracks. Some would see it as justification for their dislike of God. Others would justify the pain, like the preacher who made sense of a the deaths of a busload of schoolchildren by saying: "Heaven must have needed more angels". No. No. We needn't make sense of the pain. We needn't try to make it work, try to make it ok. It is not ok. Pain is wrong. This world is wrong. God has allowed this to happen. Notice I didn't say it was supposed to happen. Big difference there. Pain and death exist. Lets not sugar coat it for an instant. Life is absolutely full of pain, the holocau...

I know that you're probably mad at me. I've come to expect that. You know that you'll never have all of me, you've come to resent that. You say "tomato", I say "video games", you're acting so solemn. You'll take the precious remote control from me. Do I sound like Gollum? (It's) not that I'm escaping, you charm me like the flame does moths, it's just that you'd prefer me docile, like a narcoleptic sloth. The wizard needs food badly, the Voltron can't be incomplete. The things I love, you hate so madly, I must not go down in defeat. -Wizard Needs Food Badly, Five Iron I've been looking forward to commenting on this song for a long time. Five Iron is certainly a boy band, not in that they are a boy band, but in the fact that they are a band for boys. See what I did there? I made you all worried and then I made it OK? Anyway, this is a guy issue, and one reason why men and women, as much as we belong together, and nee...

We cling to things. Small bits of hope or excitement that get us through moments of time. They become our truth and reality. We believe so fervantly in things which we do not fully understand (not that all great things can or should be understood). But we do grasp to small beliefs, because for those moments in life when there was seemingly little to hold onto, those little things did the trick. Or at least, they coincided with us making it through. And so for us, those beliefs are true because we lived them. They are the kinds of things that separate denominations. The kinds of things that separate families. It is hard to argue with someone's truth. When you pull them away, you pull away their crutch, their livelihood. You pull at the pharisees and saducees, you pull at the false teachers. You may even find you, on occassion, pull at your own beliefs and certainties. But we must pull. We must be truthseekers. Because there are things that, even at this moment, I believe with my...

How can I tell you That I love you, I love you But I can't think of right words to say I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you That I'm always thinking of you I'm always thinking of you But my words just blow away Just blow away It always ends up to one thing, honey And I can't think of right words to say Happy Anniversary Shantelle, I love you!